My husband is 53. He is a high-level executive and has never had a DUI or been in trouble. He has been going to AA for over 10 years. He has a sponsor who he calls every morning. He insists that we go to church every Sunday with the kids. He is clearly two different people. I don't feel like I really understand either side of him, and we've been married 18 years.

I used to think that he "fell off" the wagon once every 6 months or so. Not too bad, right? He'd just drink until he passed out, and the kids were too young to know that daddy wasn't just sleepy. But as time has marched on, the kids (12 & 15) can now tell. And his 6 month stints happen more like once ever 2-3 months. And now they include him peeing in the bed or in his recliner, or puking in the bed or on the couch. If I go out of town, I am guaranteed to find him wasted when I return. I always make sure to leave the kids in the car while I go in just to make sure he's not dead first. Call me callous, but these dead checks seem rather sterile these days. I imagine if I ever find him that way, I'd be pretty calm. I'm rather detached as it is.

Last September, after another humiliating drunk event, he came clean, like totally clean. He told me, his sponsor and all the folks in AA that he has NEVER not drank. He drinks every night before bed and has for years. He voluntarily showed me all his hiding places (he's since created new ones). I'm always sleepy before him (perhaps he's been spiking my lemonade with Benadryl), so he comes to bed after me, eats nuts (to hide the smell) and then passes out. He claimed that he doesn't slur, because it takes a few minutes between the time he chugalugs his straight vodka, till he passes out. So when he hits the bed, the vodka hasn't sufficiently been processed yet.

How could I be so dumb? Hell if I know. Seriously, I'm usually asleep when he comes to bed. He's very good at hiding his drinking.

So, he just broke another one of his rules or yets, this weekend. He used to say he'd never drink and drive. And the stories he'd tell of the folks in AA really led me to think he turned his nose up to folks who did. But I'll be darned if he didn't drive absolutely wasted, with a vodka bottle in the backseat and a .22 in the trunk (was too lazy to put it up after target shooting 2 weeks earlier).

He could have killed somebody. When he got home, he drank all night long. He was drunk yesterday morning. I took him to a hotel for the day. Didn't feel like cleaning up urine or puke, and didn't care for our family to be held hostage by his hangover. Did I mention that he screams at the same time he vomits? Really strange and really loud. So, all he cared about was that I provided him with is Prevacid for his tummy, tylenol for his headache, his skoal, food, and wanted some cuddle time (for real? in addition to not finding him attractive at all after his weekend antics, he still had snot all over his face from blowing with no Kleenex). Him, him and him. I can only chalk it up to his drinking. AA says alcoholism is a selfish disease.

So, in his contrite state, he says he will do anything to keep me from leaving. I'm trying to figure out if Naltrexone is something to suggest.

And for the record, I have been to Al-Anon. Can't talk about him there. Big no no. I can only talk about what defect is in me, for me to marry an alcoholic. Seriously? There are no alcoholics in my family and I had never dated one. He swept me off my feet with his romantic side. Guess that should have been a clue for me. How does that make it a defect in me? Additionally, I'm supposed to stay out of his program and let him work it. Well, he works it alright, like a cheap suit.

I think the only reason the man has been going to 7 meetings a week, for 10 years, is to pacify me. What a huge waste of time. He can talk Big Book crap all day long. It's a disease, his grandfathers had it, he can't help it, he was destined for it. It's become apparent that he does not want to stop.

He is the most rigid, non-flexible person I know. Only drinks a particular brand of soda, eats only certain foods to maintain his physique, wears only certain underwear, has to have everything fit into his routine or he loses it. I'm afraid if he tries the Naltrexone, at the slightest sign of a side effect, he will want to quit.

Also, what is up with binge drinking right before bed? How does anyone enjoy that? What is it for? Just to sleep? Why not Ambien?

Thanks all. If I sound cranky today, I am. I've thought about seeing an attorney before he bankrupts us with his drinking, packing up and heading far far away.. with our kids. No way I'm going to leave them alone with him, and both have seen enough not to want that.

Wanted to add. When I first read that many of you were seeking the ability to drink in moderation, I thought that was ridiculous. There's no way. That's not what I want for my husband. I want him to stop, totally.

But you know, along the way, what I really want seems to have gotten lost in the mess. I don't want to be a warden. I'd love nothing more than to be able to go to a casino and have a few drinks with my husband. I remember when we first met, and we enjoyed having some champagne together. Or we'd enjoy our favorite dark beer together.

Along the way, alcohol itself turned into my enemy. Seems like it betrayed me. Was once my friend. I've become mad an an inanimate object. My husband is the holy roller, known among our bible friends as clearly the more Christian of the two of us. And I'm the most sober person I know. We went to his high school reunion last year. He, of course, did not drink (while in anyone's presence). I, on the other hand, helped a friend polish off a whole bottle of wine. And since my tolerance is so low because I rarely drink, I was obviously ripped. Many folks there know of his disease, and I got calls the next morning, demonizing me for not supporting my husband. One of his family members thinks I have a problem with alcohol.

I almost never drink. But I really love an occasional margarita with my friends, or a super dark beer. My husband says my drinking doesn't effect his drinking. He is probably right. But knowing the hell his disease has put us both through, I can't deal with the thought of contributing to it or feeding that monster.

I'm just confused as to how bad some of you are driven to still be able to drink in moderation. For folks who don't have a problem with alcohol, the thought of when we get our next drink is not even a consideration. If I go somewhere for dinner, I don't think about even having a glass of wine until I happen to see it on the menu. And to be honest, the idea of my husband being able to reign in the type of alcohol he drinks (straight vodka, just found another bottle in our guest closet), quantity and frequency to even resemble normalcy is like me trying to grasp the concept of infinity. I'd really like to, but it seems impossible. He's fixated on it. I swear I'm not being a wise crack, but are you really saying this is possible? Or are you saying that simply reducing how much you drink is the better and more acceptable alternative to a full-on addiction?

Because while I'd love nothing more than to be able to enjoy a few drinks with my husband, I can not imagine.

Hi J, Wow what a story.......talk about having a double life. We alchy's can be a bit sneaky when it comes to hiding our consumption, but I can't say I have heard of an AA member drinking every night and then going to meetings. Looks like AA wasn't his answer. May I suggest the Naltrexone? Also, I'm not sure if you can afford it, but if there is an outpatient program near you or at least a psychiatrist who is willing to use naltrexone in conjunction with therapy, it might be worth it. Your husbands actions seem to indicate a need for some sort of one on one. In the meantime, it can't hurt him to give this method a try. I purchased my Naltrexone from River Pharmacy. You can find a link somewhere on the boards. The book gives a couple of examples of heavy drinkers who have gotten relief with the Naltrexone. Please ask to work through this with him, but try not to micro manage his consumption. If he has been drinking every night, maybe he can take the pill before you go to bed and then he can resume his drinking habit. Maybe part of the appeal was the sneaking around. Our minds work in You might want to share this with the children. In my opinion it is better to see you both trying to find an answer rather than trying to hide it from them. They are more aware than you think. Just my opinion. It is your family and you are the one who is trying to hold it together right now. My heart goes out to all of you. Alcoholism sucks! I hope whatever you decide brings you and your family peace. keke

Thanks kekede, I think I'm going to suggest it to him.

He went to see psychiatrist once who gave him the script for Campral. He never filled it. The last thing he wants to do is get sick if he drinks. I'm thinking the same doctor would probably write him a script for the Naltrexone.

I'd really hate to see him give up going to AA meetings altogether. He's been going so long, that he knows all the other alcoholics in town. They must give him some sort of support. But none of them would ever agree to the idea of drinking in moderation. I'm afraid to tell him about this site, because he'd read it, go back and tell his sponsor and they'd poopoo totally on the idea of moderation, and therefore the naltrexone also.

Does the website you get it at require a prescription? Doesn't he need to be under the care of a doctor?

And yes, I think one on one would be great for him. His mother was abusive. He's only told me about small parts of it, but that's more than I think he's ever told anyone. I suspect it was much worse. He keeps a lot of things under wraps, like a pressure cooker.

Julia, Naltrexone works for the majority of those who try it. It is a comittment and depending on how old your husband is and how long he has been drinking alcoholically will determine how long the road ahead of him is.

I am a 42-year old female who binged (like your man) and also drank daily in heavy amounts. I drank alcoholically for 10 to 12 years. It took 11 solid months of following the golden rule which states: Nal+Al+Patience (and in time) Willpower= Regaining Control.

Your husband experiences an endorphine rush in his brain everytime he drinks booze. Because of this sheer fact, he (his brain) seeks to feel that high (endorphine rush) over and over and over again. Think of it like this-- pre-alcoholism those neuropathways in his brain were simple country roads. Now they are superhighways. He craves alcohol so much so that he cares not about consequences. He is driven beyond his control and his craving never goes away. That is the preoccupation that an alcoholic experiences. He is consumed by this trecherous addiction. By now, he loathes it as well but just doesn't have the strength nor the tools to fight the monster living within.

Enter Naltrexone.

It will, in time, silence the craving and give him the power to control all that is out of control at this time. We on this board believe that Science is our Higher Power.

Your entries are scathing, not that I blame you.... living with an alcoholic-- and one you are forced to clean up after-- is dwelling in Dante's Inferno, Canto 11. Pure hell.

He should start asap because it's going to take quite awhile for his brain to be readjusted. In the meantime, please read the threads of those on the "Cured List." You and he will find much support here. He is among kindreds. As are you. Check out Lynn and Healingflame's threads. They are also spouses of alcoholics.

Best of luck and keep us posted,

Ketchikan1

Hi Julia:

Your experience sounds like an absolute nightmare. I hope that The Sinclair Method (TSM) can be a solution. But I suspect it will really depend on your husband wanting to change. TSM may offer him the hope that he can change.

Unlike AA, we don't define ourselves as lifelong drunks who are powerless over our condition.

Most of us who try to quit drinking struggle -- at first -- with a massive fear of how hard it will be to make it through a whole day without booze. And those many of us for whom TSM works find that -- over time -- that fear fades.

I encourage you to read the thread of Andy M, who was a massive binge drinker and, through TSM, has found that being totally abstinent works best for him:

viewtopic.php?t=2273

Some people go into TSM thinking that moderation is their goal but end up finding that a live without alcohol is the best solution. TSM helped them get there.

My goal is moderation. And it looks like I'm well on my way. But if abstinence turns out to be the best option, I'm fine with that too. What people who have succeeded with TSM report is that the compulsion to drink loses strength to a point where drinking feels like it did back when they were "normal." And some find they are just indifferent to booze altogether.

This area of the board has fundamental info on TSM:

viewforum.php?f=5

And you can read the stories of those who have regained control here:

viewtopic.php?f=19&t=672

Click on a name to go to that person's thread.

best of luck to you --

I'll chime in to say hello, and wow, what a story. It sounds like you have been through a lot (and that Al-Anon defect thing sounds like harmful BULLSHIT!). I know it may be hard for you to understand that your husband may one day be able to drink in moderation, but it is in the realm of possibility with nal. A lot of people come on here either seeking abstinence or moderation. They don't always end up with what they were looking for actually! Some people become able to moderate when they never thought they could, and some people just lose so much interest in alcohol that they decide to abstain. Like others said, this will depend on your husband's individual experience.
I really hope you can get him to start on nal soon. Good luck.

Hi Julia,

I am a late night Vodka drinker, 42 year old male. High achiever - I have a professional job with big responsibilities.

Checked myself into rehab, first night alone I drank to pass out. Tried AA with all my heart and soul for about 6 months, but couldn't put more than 2 weeks of sobriety before a relapse.

My wife couldn't leave me with the kids as I would drink myself to pass out every time.

I have been on NAL for about 11 months. I am still drinking almost every night, but have had a few days off - impossible before. I have not passed out at a friends, or done anything stupid like I used to. I can be trusted with my kids. My wife and I even went to Vegas and I drank on NAL without any bad incident.

Not done yet, but my wife said that I am, "75% back to her" now. I am certain I was heading right to where your husband is right now. The damn alcohol takes over your brain and you can't stop it. Impossible to understand if you don't have the defect. I felt like I was possessed by the devil until I found NAL - seriously. My life now is 100 times better than before.

I totally understand what your husband is going through. I think you have to give the NAL a try and then try to hang in there for 9 months to a year or so and that should do it. I thank God my wife hung in there with me. I hated what I was doing to her and us before, but couldn't stop it. NAL has saved my life, my job, and my marriage.

Feel free to read my story or PM me.

Hi Julia,
Sounds like you married my father(!) His alcoholism was so frustrating because he refused to do anything about it. My mother stayed with him mostly for financial reasons; there wasn't enough money to split between two and live comfortably so they more or less lived under the same roof and lived their own lives. I couldn't stand it. I realized that if Dad couldn't change I had a choice to stay there and suffer with it or I could leave. I couldn't change him but I had the power to improve my own life; I left when I was given the opportunity to go to boarding school at 16. I never moved back. Regardless, if you decide to leave your husband or stay, be open with your kids about what is going on. Believe me, they know more than they might let on and it is just healthier to be able to talk about what is going on rather than try to ignore the "elephant in the room".

Good luck.

Julia

Your story is my story....my husband is a vodka drinker...in fact doesn't even drink beer anymore becaus he has his vodka! Was a beer drinker for years...sober every day for work and drank himself stupid every night. Passed out and busted his head open, urinated on himself more than once and the kids hated him becasue of his behavior. 2 thanksgivings ago I had to call the police becasue he was so drunk he fell out of bed and swore that I punched him and knocked him out of bed and was getting violent with me in front of our children at 2 am...that was is...he was so drunk and of course denied it but told the police that I hit him and if he had wanted to press charges they would have arrested me and I would have had someone come and get my kids AND I NEVER TOUCHED HIM!!!!

We tried counseling and vitamins and blah blah blah and nothing worked and his drinking and hiding and lying were getting worse. I tried desperately to save my family and that is when I found the book the cure for alcoholism....I found in months before I ever read it because when I read the words that they can still drink I did not want to hear that....like you I wanted it to stop because his drinking made me physically sick when I smelled it on his breath.

But I did finally read it and I was filled with hope for once in my life...HOPE! It was a gift, a light at the end of the tunnel, HOPE! Hope where there was on despair and a plan where there was only helplessness.

Fast forward 8 months...he still drinks...and there are some days he doesn't, most days is a shot or two of vodka and then there are the binges but nothing like what it was before. There is no more lying or hiding...we talk about it and there is honestly...HONESTY!!! That was Long gone in our realtionship. I wish it was happening faster but I will take what I can get. There are good days and bad days but they are all better than they were 8 months ago. We found great doctor but we had to deal with several that would not even listen to our request for Nal...one doctorwas more concerned about his cholesterol than his drinking...HELLO! A 5th of vodka a day will raise your Cholesterol. Today his cholesterol is normal and he is not on any meds...all due to decreased drinking and some Milk Thisle (very good for fatty liver)

So hang in there and take a deep breath....things will change. You will have good days and then bad days...heck read some of my posts...this board kept me sane! Tonight we had a lovely dinner and he chose to dirnk Tea...TEA! We had a lovely evening and he even bought me roses...ROSES! Any other valentine day he was hiding and drinking and I was alone in the house....hating him and wishing him dead...yep...give it some time and keep in touch sister!!

Lynn